2008-07-13 - 12:47 p.m.

GUESS WHAT??? I'M GOING TO HELL!

Oy. I guess I'm gonna have to lay this out, if for no other reason than to make myself feel better.

So I come from a religious family. Mom and Dad took my sister and I to church, they talked about Jesus, took us to church some more, prayed with us, made us go to church, and mixed God into everything, always, until we were old enough to marry and move away, after which they STILL mixed and continue to mix God into everything, but could no longer force us to go to church. That has been a constant bone of contention since the first missed Sunday. Mom wants us in church, on her pew, waving our arms and crying just like she does, and until I am *on* that pew, streaked with mascara and totally without control before my God, I am hopeless in her eyes. I assume Dad is going along with it, although Mom does all the talking.

And it ain't happenin', folks.

I love God. I believe in Him. In the virgin birth. In the entire story of Jesus Christ. I'm a Christian. I pray all the time, in thanks as well as out of fear and for protection for my tiny brood of Very Important People. But I *hate* church. I don't like emotional manipulation. I don't like to cry, specifically NOT in public, and that seems to be the goal of church. My mother's pastor is a great man. I believe he is genuine in his mission and he works hard. He tells his congregation constantly that the pressure is killing him, that he feels he is near to death under it, but yet continues to deliver the harsh truth, which is: eat, sleep and breathe God, every moment, all the time, be at his feet in a heap at every opportunity, wave your holy flag and fight the devil non-stop, avoid secular music and television and fornication and dirty thought and scientific fact and ungodly people and drinks and life and books and all else lest ye be damned damned damned to hell hell hell hell hell hell burn burn hell burning in hell burn burn hell you, yes YOU burning in hell hell hell.

This has my mother understandably upset. She has always, since she realized my sister and I were not coming back to church, thought us both to be heatherns, and it tortures her. Mother's diligent in her spirituality and anything less than her balls-to-the-church-wall standard seems a failure to her. Occasionally, she'll see me pray for a sick child of mine, or express some other sentiment that shows her that I am not totally bereft of His presence, but it wears away in the face of the REAL Christians she surrounds herself with, and I am absolutely considered a lost cause...according to MY SON.

See, Mom takes my kids to church. I allow it because I *did* learn a lot of valuable things during my church days that I used later. I avoided some things other kids didn't, and I believe my spiritual raising had a lot to do with that. A kid can use that foundation, so I thought it was a great idea to let Mom and Dad take my kids in my stead. I tried taking them myself after the birth of my second child...but it didn't work. All I was doing was suffering in the congregation trying desperately not to cry, and failing miserably. Emotional manipulation WORKS on me, so much that I avoid sad movies and literature. I don't like to be upset in public view, or privately for that matter...I prefer happy, thankyouverymuch, and will avoid anything I know is designed to elicit a negative emotional response. So Mom takes the kids to church.

My son attends "big church" with the folks, while the little one goes to Wee Worship, or whatever they call it. Twice lately, including today, my son has come home to tell me that "Mamaw got on the stage and told everybody about you and cried today."

Grrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaat.

So Mom's been taking to the stage at church, in front of the hundreds of church members, and she has snatched the mic from the preacher and held up the masses in order to bemoan her lost, hopeless daughters. Yes, you too, Wilberteets. You are also a raging disappointment in the eyes of God, and you will roast like a peanut in hell.

Today the crowd got a warning about how they'd better be diligent in the raising of their children or they'd end up with a couple of hell bound harlots like us. I don't know what the hell she expects folks to do if HER method didn't work, for the love of Pete, we were in church every other DAY during my youth, and we weren't allowed to do diddly squat!!! What more can these hapless church folks DO but tie their slutty daughters and worthless, devil sons to posts until adulthood? I digress. Mom went to town, according to my very embarrassed son. It's a very, very big congregation, one of those huge auditoriums. My 12 year old slunk out as my mother strode the stage, telling the teary tale of failure and misery that is us.

That. Makes. Me. MAD!

Here's why she did it: I'm stupid. Yesterday, she and I were on the phone talking about a cousin of mine who is going through some serious hell on earth due to her bad choices. In short, she's a ho. She's just delivered a baby, and the "baby daddy" just left her because the tests revealed he ISN'T. During the course of this conversation Mom wanted to hash her for sex outside marriage, and I piped up (as mongoloids will) and said, "Let's not judge her for that. I can kinda understand that."
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. Stupid.

I wasn't saying sex with everydamnbody is okay. Even a mongoloid knows better than THAT...I was merely pointing out that the world has changed and so have I. W-R-O-N-G. That was a tremendous mistake, and one I should know better than, for I am dealing with MOM. So, that nugget of stupid led to more haranguing...Mom reminding me that a TRUE Christian has no desiiiiiiiire for "thangs of the flesh", and if they DO, will vehemently avoid those thannnnngs, to honor The Lord. I told her, "but I don't plan to marry again...and one day, I'll meet someone I deem worthy, and when I do, I'm probably gonna eventually wanna test drive him and I doubt seriously that I'm gonna be married when that goes down." Stupid stupid stupid. I shoulda NEVER had that conversation. I know who she is, and I should have known better than to enter into that arena at ALL...even hypothetically! But lo. I am stupid. I said it.

Luckily, I did not go on to tell her that I am embarrassed by a religion that refuses to acknowlege the fact that creationism has to have a curve to it to match the BONES WE HAVE THAT PROVE CAVEMEN AND DINOSAURS EXISTED. And I didn't express to her my confusion over a God that is so, so kind and loving, soooo all about love, that He knows each of us by name before we're born, He knows the very number of hairs on our heads, He grieves when we deny Him...and He totally plans to roast the majority of us for ETERNITY in a huge vat of fire that burns to INFINITY because we can't stick to a bunch of IMPOSSIBLE RULES.

THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE TO ME, AND GEORGE CARLIN KINDA DOES, AND THAT LEAVES ME SCARED TO DEATH AND CONFUSED AND ANGRY AS HELL AT HER AND AT THE WHOLE DAMN THING.

I resent what she did today, and if she thinks I'm setting foot on that property ever again, I'd dare say she's mistaken.

What do YOU think? Am I bound for hell on a runaway wagon? Shall I start marinating myself now? SHOULD I JUST GO AHEAD AND INDULGE MYSELF IN MY MANY TEMPTATIONS BECAUSE I'M DOOMED ANYWAY????????????

Help me out here. Give me some insight. I'm going to go consort with Satan, or make a sandwich, one. Hell, maybe both. After all, if it isn't a JESUS sandwich then it's a HELL sandwich, right?

....Oy.

ADDENDUM: My handsome, helpful and handy coworker informed me this evening that the church broadcasts it's services on television. Joyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

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