2016-02-04 - 5:19 p.m.

Hello Again.

Remember when I told you I'd make regular entries?

That was all dirty lies.

I actually became more and more worried that my new husband would discover the diary and...hate it...because that was a bit of a theme. When it came to humor, music and afew other things...the rule was generally, "If I like it, he hates it."

He would have REALLY hated this diary.

I don't have to worry about that because suddenly, 3 weeks and one day ago, he died.
A pulmonary embolism. They said it was pneumonia and treated it as such...so he didn't get any blood thinners...and now he is gone. And I would give anything to have him back.

He was ornery. He was opinionated. He was bit of a bigot. His grammar was atrocious. And he loved me like nobody ever has in my whole life and I'm shattered.

I think I'll start writing again.

I used to whine because I was alone and angry about that. I don't expect to be going back to that theme, because I had the greatest love in the world for 5 years plus, and I don't want anyone else.

I will confess, though, I do kind of like the idea that one day I might get a really good kiss again. My husband as wonderful and I loved him with all my heart and soul...but his kisses were too spitty.

I'd gladly accept one now. I gave and received kisses, hugs and "other stuff" freely while I had him...but I avoided the deep kisses. He didn't care much, or, even notice, really. That's not what he was after, so to speak. I missed it. though. I really like kissing. Too spitty is a proverbial boner-killer, however, so, since I hadn't figured out a way to tell him how to fix that without hurting his feelings...I just cleverly avoided it. I got right to the cookies, you see. That was a handy way to keep him completely oblivious to the fact that I was, indeed, avoiding deep kissing.

Anyway. Maybe I'll have that some day. Right now it's offensive to even think about. There are other bright sides, and believe me, I've been trying to find them. The awful things are so present and easy to find. I suppose it's like trying to pick the M&M's out of a trail mix. There's not many of them, so you look for them all the more.

I miss my husband. His name was Mike. I had JUST gotten used to his children. I had JUST acclimated to allowing someone else to be part of my decision making processes. I had JUST settled into the deeply satisfying joy of being completely, ridiculously loved by a big, strong, protective, jealous man. And then he died.

What this week has taught me is this: reality sinking in...life creeping back in and continuing to carry on as though business is as usual and him being just GONE from it, is harder than when that woman said, "Ma'am, he has passed." The reality of him just being GONE from my life is simply overwhelming and crushing and so, so sad.

I loved him very much. I was ready to spend my life doing that.

There is no plan B....so...I guess that's what I'll be writing about. And I bet I'll be a lot more regular with it because I need to say stuff that I can't just say to anyone who knew him.

But then, you can't trust me. When it comes to promises of regular entries, I'm a lying liar who lies.

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