2016-02-22 - 10:15 a.m.

Ok, That's Enough.

Dear Michael,

Please do some magical, angel, heavenly stuff and remove the pang from my chest so I can work. Thoughts of you are clogging up the works today and I need to have a clear head so I can do what I gotta do.

I miss you so much.

I can't get past this. I am having trouble managing my thoughts. No matter how much I know I have to do, I keep sliding back to you. I find myself staring out the window at your grave on the hill over there...staring at your picture on your funeral program on the side of the fridge...staring at your cap on the bedpost. All this staring comes with a recounting of things we said that day, the last time I spoke to you, the last time I told you I loved you, trying to figure the exact moment you died, wondering if you were panicked or in pain, beating myself up for not recognizing the obvious signs of what was happening to you in time to SAVE you, and then knowing it is irreparable, because you're in the ground almost 6 weeks now, with no eyes and your bones replaced with PVC.

You CAN'T come back...there is no rewind.

There is no rewind.

That peculiar man who kept sending me messages that night is at it again. He's sent me a song, called, "I Lost My Love". Thanks, you jackwad. Thanks loads. He told me all about this remarkable song of his...strangely enough, that night it was January 12, and we had less than 12 hours to be together on this Earth. He said it was a haunting tune that would make a grown man cry. Well THANKS for sending me that, you pigeon turd. That's EXACTLY what I need, as I have lost my love in actuality and just canNOT get enough crying done. So thanks, SO much. Perhaps you can also script a play by play of my love's last moments and include a sound effects disc for effect.

Weird old fart knocker. I could choke him. I felt he was weird BEFORE this, as you know.

Remember how he just kept on messaging?

Anyway.

I miss you very much. Sickeningly. My stomach is in a knot and my chest feels empty and tight all at once. I can't go backward, and I can't go forward. I can't GO.
I am stuck in a terrible cycle of wishing and pining and realization that nothing will EVER come of it.

I love you, Mike. I miss you so much. I don't know how to manage my life without you.

I wish I could just curl up into a ball until this painful time ends.

�

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