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2016-03-11 - 1:36 a.m.

Be Still My Heart

My daughter asked to watch a youtube video to learn a song on guitar. My phone is charging so I let her use my husband's. He's been gone now, 8 weeks and a day, and I have only just began to get my head around the finality of it.

She found recordings of his VOICE on his phone.
Just little notes he'd made to himself and a couple that were he and I noodling with the phone as he showed me the nifty voice-note feature. I heard his voice. I have been craving that so much. So what if most of what he says is random, disjointed instructions to himself...its that sweet voice. The voice I love from the man I love. I was having trouble remembering it, already. Almost immediately I would try to call the sound of him up in my mind, and couldn't. Such a helpless feeling.

That sweet voice. I saved it. I will go to it when I need to hear him. I'm so glad it's found.

He had a lisp and denied it. I have proof of it. "Check on fernssss". :) My sweet, sweet man. I miss you SO much.

Went to his grave today. Record rain had sunk the dirt, revealing the rectangle shape of the grave. I went home, got my shovel and went back to fix it. I made some 3D hearts of mud before I left. Maybe the sun will come back out and bake them and they'll stay a while.

I miss my mate. I loved him so much. I love him, still.

Always.


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