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2016-04-09 - 10:56 a.m.

Why Not George Clooney?

I still haven't had a dream that felt like I was visited by my lost husband.

I was really hoping for one, from the moment I went home after he died and realized that that, short of arriving in heaven myself, would be the only way I was ever going to get to talk to him or touch him. I wanted to "see" him so he could tell me that all was well and that he was fine, and that he loved me and that I'd be fine, all the things that would make my perspective different upon awakening. But he hasn't shown up.

I've seen him, but only twice, and neither was what I would consider a "visit". I told a much younger version of him that he had died, and he was angry about that....and I was ignored and given up by the version of him that I know, left abandoned, frantic for him and wondering why he left me and what I had done wrong to cause it. I suppose that last experienced was a subconscious reflection of feelings regarding his death. Though he didn't leave me angry, rejecting me because he simply didn't love me anymore, the result is the same; I can't get to him, I can't contact him, and it's over.

Instead of dreaming of him, I have had a couple of inexplicable experiences. First was the radio outside. he kept it plugged in and on always, day and night, on a country station like his Dad does, just up the land. I don't love country, so when eh passed, after a couple weeks, I changed the station to a pop station close by on the dial. When I went outside, it was back on country music. That happened twice...and there's no way my daughter did it.

When my sister and my niece visited a month after his death, we were sitting, visiting at night, and my niece, just out of the blue during conversation, said something about "dancing on the rings of Saturn". That is what my husband would NEVER FAIL to say about where his spirit would be in the event of his death. My niece can't explain why those particular words were her choice and said she'd never said anything like that before. Upon her saying them my daughter said "WHOA!", and I simultaneously clapped my hand over my mouth and began to cry. My niece was understandably shocked and dismayed because she had no idea what she "had done". I explained when I could and we all smiled over the event because...it had to be him.

The most recent thing happened last week as I struggled to put a new door knob on my shed out back. It is full of tools that are worth a pretty penny and I'm soon to be traveling to my sister's place for a few days and felt the need to be sure they were secure in my absence. I've never replaced a doorknob before and don't have a lot of faith in my handyman skills, and my husband would certainly have been the man for that job were he here. So, on my way out to attempt to remove the old doorknob, I said aloud, "Mike, you're going to have to help me. You know how I am."

Of course, the old doorknob didn't want to come out. One of the screws holding it fast was completely stripped and wouldn't budge. I struggled and struggled and, as the light of the day began to slip behind the horizon, I got really aggravated and began hammering on it with a screwdriver like a raging chimp. I threw down the tools in fury and went to move the garden hose, knowing I was out of luck for the night.

After moving the hose I went back to pick up the tools, shut the shed and retire to the house to try again another day. As I approached the shed I could see, back in the back of it, a light shining. That made no sense, I hadn't actually gone INTO the shed that far, but had only leaned inside the doorway as I tried to remove that old knob. What could that be? I stepped inside and maneuvered over and around the junk blocking passage inside the shed until I could reach the back shelf where the light shone. I fiddled around until my hand closed on it...it was my husband's headlamp that he used to strap onto his head when we'd go walking at night. Battery powered. I had actually touched it two weeks prior when my parents had come to help me plant some of my husband's plants, and I had tried to get it to come on then but it wouldn't, no doubt due to dead batteries. But here it was, two weeks later, inexplicably on. When my fingers closed around it and lifted it, it went out.

I stood staring at it in my hand, marveling...and realizing what it meant, what it could mean...and I felt the very strong presence of my love with me and I poured out my heart to him on the spot. I told him I missed him, I love him, how sudden it all was, how lonely I was without him, how wonderful he had been, and asked him to please keep an eye on me and mine and the place, and help me along, and more of my love for him, until I felt I had said all there was to say. I took the headlamp back inside with me and asked my stepson to try to make it work. I will confess that the light flashed once more, ad then would not come back on, no matter how we manipulated the batteries.

I believe there is something to all of that. Mike always said there were NO GHOSTS. He believed, firmly, "Absent from the body, present with The Lord." and I do believe that, too. But I also know that the mind of God is vast and were all his thoughts in books the books would overflow the Earth, and there's no way He told us EVERYTHING in that Bible. I believe that God, perhaps, allows souls to comfort the ones left behind. A touch here and there. I believe it as sure as the world. Ghosts? Perhaps lost souls, or souls allowed to go back to point an accusing finger at the one who did them dirty. Who knows? Not me. But I know my husband has made at LEAST 2 drop ins...withholding the radio thing as the two stations ARE very close on the dial and could have been a fluke.

So. No dreams, but other things. The dreams, unfortunately, are more likely to be dreams where I am having an intimate relationship with one of my clients...one who truly grosses me out. How I end up with him, in a sexual way, every time, is a puzzle of epic proportion. Why HIM???? Why not my husband? Or...George Clooney???

Let me add that I did dream I had peed inside McDonald's, only realizing I wasn't in the bathroom as a woman passed by the plate glass and gave me the stink eye. I guess it was only then that I realized I was in fact peeing into a cup I was holding underneath myself and that I was in a booth, not a bathroom stall. WTH? The rest of that dream was me, trying to get Libby (who had run off while I was peeing in McDonald's) and get the heck out of Dodge before the authorities arrested me for indecent exposure and it made news. By the time I got to my car with the kid, the cops were aware of "The Pee-er" and were in hot pursuit. Total stress dream! What the heck???


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