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2016-04-19 - 3:54 p.m.

I'm Tired.

I feel so overwhelmed today. Just overwhelmed.

Today is the first time I felt tears in my eyes and it had *not* everything to do with Mike dying. Today it's just PRESSURE. Difficulty. Insecurity.

My work.

My biggest client has seemingly turned into a miserly spendthrift with no soul. He needed "sacrifice" at the start of the year to "make first quarter"...and cut all independent producer pay. Mine by HALF. That was January 4...just 9 days before my husband died.

My tax lady is a babbling woman who never says anything that makes a lick of sense and I am getting a foreboding feeling that she doesn't know solar panel tax credit from a hole in the ground. I can't judge her, because neither do I, but if she blows this I'm on the hook for a staggering amount that I wouldn't have had if my husband HADN'T suddenly died. SHE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS STUFF.

When client #1 started acting hinky, I went looking for more work so I can save the ranch. I met with the local radio group and the guy was freakin' delighted with my talent and so full of vigorous head nods regarding my preference to produce radio shows from home, rather than to come into his stations in person, which would both make it reasonable for me to work for him while simultaneously running a home studio business and save him money...as well as give him access to my advertising prowess which stands to make him lots more money.
I eagerly awaited his response....and when he finally calls, he makes a BS offer for a 2 hour live shift; something I told him plainly that I am not available to do from MOMENT NUMBER ONE. Two hours???? Oh, yes, let me have to get dressed and DRIVE ACROSS TOWN TO YOU EVERY DAY for a crappy two hour shift that won't bring $100 a week??? NO THANKEE.

The other radio group are poor as haints.


meanwhile, I wrote client #1 and told him he's being cheap. I did that in a fit of tellyouwhatmister and now I'm wondering what his response will be. My talent is immense, but so is his ego. It wouldn't be a stretch to think he might be incensed enough to shoot himself in the foot.

My teenager isn't doing her homeschooling right and I haven't got the energy to ride her until she does. That makes me feel like a failure. I know what people would say I need to do and it all requires energy I do not have. I just want to find a small hole and hide in it.

I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of depending on other people. I'm tired of being unsure whether or not people who have my proverbial balls in their hand know what they're doing. I'm tired of not knowing enough about every subject to be 100% sure about anything. I'm tired of my husband being dead. I'm tired of the world sitting squarely on my shoulders with it's hand out, waiting for me to paypaypaypaypay. I'm paying dammit. I'm paying EVERY DAMN THING I HAVE.

I am out of energy.


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