2016-06-20 - 7:33 p.m.

Still Love

Father's Day was hard.

My step kids have been spending most of their time at their mom's, which has actually been very good for me. Less to worry about, less to buy, less to clean, less to do...but they pop in about once a week and we enjoy each other's company when they do. This Father's Day, I opted to go home and see my own dad. I knew this first Father's Day without him would be very hard for them, and it was. It was hard for me, too. I'm so grateful to have my own dad in my life, strong and healthy...but I was on the verge of tears all day missing my Mike.

Mike's dad suffered greatly yesterday. He does every day, but of course Father's Day was even more difficult. There's nothing in the world I can do but suffer with him and let him know how much I understand, as much as I can, anyway. The loss of a child is different from the loss of a spouse, and I know he's got it worse than me. Being widowed young is a terrible thing, but the loss of a child is unspeakable. He already has such a difficult time, taking care of his invalid wife. He used to say, "I want to ask God "Why?", and that was just when he was referring to why his wife had to have a stroke. (The answer to "why", btw, is chain-smoking, abusing pain medication, being sedentary for 40 years in a darkened house, drinking nothing but diet coke and eating sugar all day despite a raging problem with diabetes. THAT'S WHY.) I can only imagine his wonderings now, that he has not only traded his somewhat-able wife for a difficult, demanding, energy and money draining, malcontented invalid that he cannot escape, but he has also lost his son...the one of two who cared enough to check on him every day, with a visit or a call. The one of the two who really loved him enough to show him on a daily basis. Gone.

Papa has it much worse than me.

I felt bad leaving him to see my own father. I called Mike's remaining, distant (not geographically) sibling and gently urged him and his family to go visit Papa. They did, and I'm so glad. It doesn't relieve the hurt, but it helps distract from it. I had left a message with the kid's mother that Papa would be so pleased to see the children, too...but the day was so hard for them, the first Father's Day without their father...that they stayed in.

The kids called a while ago. They had wanted to let balloons go at their Dad's grave. it had been planned for Father's Day, but...that was too difficult, so it ended up being today. I wasn't expecting that, didn't know it was going to be happening. I went to the graveyard and had the urge to cry multiple times during the simple little moment that we had. I fought it for all I was worth. I know I am due again to crumble and I don't surface from that sort of grief for a while...I'm trying to put it off. It's in my eyes right now. In my eyes and in my chest and building pressure inside my head. I just wish so hard for him. For this to get easier.

They say the grief never goes away, if you indeed loved. I loved.

I still love.

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