2016-06-23 - 7:52 p.m.

How Long Until the Fresh Start Starts?

I am feeling weird. Hormonal. Something.

I want to run away. Just slough off everything and run. I cannot get to Arkansas fast enough and I don't know when that's actually going to happen. I need my own place....a place with nothing attached to it. Something that is JUST mine, from go. A brand new slate to start MAKING sentimental, with things that are all me. Because if it's all ME, it can't be snatched.

I crave a fresh start. A new canvas. New landscape, new town. I want to take only my loves...my family, my pets, my pooh bear and the keepsakes that were my husband's belongings. Also our bed. I love our bed. Maybe my plants. And I want to start all over, and have things as I want them.

Due to my son being home from college for Summer, I've been exposed to my ex husband these past few days. Long story short, he hijacked Father's Day and hasn't left. I genuinely didn't mind that first day.

Felt slightly different that second day.

Five days in and I am BEREFT of hospitality. His mannerisms...the way he talks...moves...everything about him is on my nerves. I don't want to hear him pontificate on topics of the day. I don't want to hear his recipes. What HE does with a pork roast. His methods for making garden tools out of deer antlers. I don't want. GO! GO AWAAAAAYYYY!

I am so glad he is not mine anymore.

I need him out of here. I believe that may be a large part of what is making me want to run away from my own house. I feel...put upon. Nobody's being rude, nobody is directly asking anything of me. He's just IN MY SPACE, and that's enough. His time for being in my space is over, and he needs to GO.

I need comforts and solitude. I really, really need to fold up in my husband's arms. he'd be mad at me because the ex has been inside our home but...he'd still fold me up.
I really need that a lot and...there's nowhere to get it. That makes me feel very sorry for me. I thrived on the love Mike had for me. I went my whole life looking for someone to love me like that. I had him for 5 years. I got 27 years of indifference, but only 5 years of true love and care. I guess I should feel lucky that I got that. I do feel lucky. I need more of it.

I'll drink some vodka, fold into myself and smell his t-shirts instead.

My life isn't bad, not by any stretch. I am blessed in lots of ways. I'm just having a hard time. I miss my dead husband, am annoyed by my ex husband who SHOULDN'T BE HERE, and I'm short tempered and tired.

This will get better.

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