2016-06-28 - 7:10 p.m.

Perspective

The feeling I have isn't resentment...but it could easily be mistaken for it by someone who can't see into my heart. I have a friend who was married a year ago, and has only now been able to go on a honeymoon. The couple has gone to Europe, and are enjoying a wonderful time. They're putting up pictures of lovely things they're experiencing, and you can see the love between them and it's a beautiful thing.

I had that.

You'd think that would make me feel good, that I had that. It does sometimes...and it doesn't, sometimes. Here's the difference: when I'm feeling grateful, I feel good because "I had that." And when I'm feeling egregiously robbed, I get angry...because I HAD THAT. I had that just long enough to get the taste in my mouth. The security, the connection and closeness, the feeling that I was deeply and completely loved...that thing that I chased (and failed to find) for the first 42 years of my life. I finally found it; it was realized. And also, I FINALLY FOUND IT; it was abruptly taken away.

Depends on the day, I guess.

Ok, I confess...maybe I'm a little Bitter Betty, as the travel aspect of my friend's current situation makes me feel largely cheated. We never got the chance to get further away than a couple of states. I had big fat dreams about it...and dreams are all I got.

I'm blessed nine ways to Sunday. I have built my own business and God has made it successful. I earn. I will take myself beautiful places. And, it is not outside the realm of possibility that I may do that with a partner. I'm not dead. I do still feel very married to my dead husband, though, and can't fathom how he could possibly be replaced. Needless to say, it'll be a while...but I know it could happen for me again, if God sees fit. And it will definitely have to be Him at work, because after Mike the bar is set so high that only God will be able to find a man who could fill the bill.

Meanwhile...J'attends.

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