2016-07-14 - 6:28 p.m.

FUCK THIS.

I cry a lot.

The worst part of it is, I want someone to KNOW, but it feels stupid to call someone just to say, "I'm sad" because...what then?

A bunch of words that don't change a thing. Clichés about things getting easier, how it never goes away but you learn to live with it, how he's so much happier and wouldn't come back if he could, how God will pull me through, how they're praying, how they understand, how they can't imagine, etc. etc. All very nice sentiments and many that I know to be true and yet, I don't feel like hearing them.

I feel...like screaming bloody murder while setting some shit on fire. THAT'S what I feel like. I'm sick to DEATH of feeling sad, of worrying that I'm going to lose more, of knowing I have to give things up now, of working my ass off ALL DAY and into the night, and still knowing despite all that business, if any of my streams of income drop out I'm going to be up against it. Sick of pretending that it's some "great adventure" I'm on and how it's really not a problem that I'm forced now to SELL the home that I JUST BUILT AND THOUGHT WAS FOREVER and love with all my heart. Sick of not knowing what my future holds, of telling myself 5 years of marriage and love was enough and I'm good to be alone now, sick of telling myself not to wallow, and SICK of wanting desperately to take a break from all this miserable pain and bullshit. And, I'm sick of feeling like, when I speak my feelings, when I say something real to me that is negative, that I need to correct it immediately, negate it, erase it, by saying "I know God will handle it" and "I realize things could be worse" and "I know so many have it worse than I do and "I'm glad I work non stop, how awful it would be to have no work at all to do and go completely under financially" and "I know I'm blessed" ...**OR ELSE**. I'm TIRED of feeling that when I voice this POISON that I NEED TO SAY, I'm going to pay for it right away...lose a kid, lose a job, contract a deadly condition, lose SOMETHING MORE that will make me pine for the days when all that was wrong was a dead husband and the loss of the life I knew.

Yes. That nails it. I feel like, if I say how I really feel, if I take a moment and get REAL about my true feelings, which I desperately need and want to do...if I DARE to mewl...karma, or God, or the universe, or whatever, is going to immediately pound me with some WORSE shit just so I'll realize just how GREAT I had it when all I had wrong was what's wrong now.

And know what else? Because of this manifestation shit, (you say it, you get it, you speak it, it's true) I fear even TYPING this, right now! It's bulllshit! I am MENTAL!

I can't take any more, and I'm gonna risk almighty hell and say I WON'T! NO MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE
I WILL NOT TAKE ONE MORE FUCKING IOTA OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...And...you know...true to crazy form, I can almost hear the shit, building up, growing into a big, jagged wave right this minute, waiting to roll over me and crush me for daring to put this out in the universe. Is this OCD? Should I erase this entirely??? I really feel that, you know. How stupid. Good lord. Damn the torpedoes. I'm leaving it.

I'm sad. I'm mad. I am really tired of being a poor, pitiful grieving widow. Ohhh, she's so saaahhhhhhhhhdddddd. That poor thing. Fuck this.

He really hated it when I would curse. I completely stopped you know. Completely stopped. Bu tthat was six months and a day ago, when HE WASN'T DEAD.

FUCK. THIS.

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