2016-09-19 - 10:23 a.m.

Encore

I should be working right now.

My feelings are all messed up today. Not depressed. I have that little expectant fire in the belly that makes me consider myself a happy natured person, so, not depressed, but my heart took a hit this morning in a way it hasn't for a while. The loss of my husband hit me fresh, again.

I know what caused it. I was going about my daily, just made the bed, fed the animals, started my coffee and glanced at FB to see that a friend from high school (acquaintance, really) got married. I remember seeing her get engaged, too. We're not close, but her important posts find me. Anyway, someone filmed them at it and I cut it off before he started talking. I didn't want to hear any self-written vows. No vows at all none of that nope thanks poof. I turned it off but my mind didn't turn off. I wondered where "their place" was...wherever they are now that is their "spot". Mine and Mike's was Hot Springs, AR. I stood at the edge of our bed, smoothing the quilt and thinking and I looked up at the picture of us from our wedding day that sits on my dresser. Mike and I, kissing, minutes after our ceremony, in front of the Christmas tree they had put up at the Wildwood. I looked at his red shirt, which hangs in our closet...just an empty shirt now; everything else gone like a vapor...and it hit again. The punch in the heart, that staggering impact of loss. It's a physical assault from inside. I had a moment of panic about our upcoming wedding anniversary...will anyone remember? Do I want them to? If they don't can I not mention it? But my kids will know; that's going to be a hard day. Thanksgiving weekend will be hard. That was our time, when we'd go to Hot Springs to celebrate our wedding anniversary early, to see the Christmas lights come on...just me and my Christmas elf. Everyone will know that is a terrible time...what is worse? them saying nothing or them saying anything at all? I'm dreading it already. I just want to move away from here so much. Abandon
Facebook during that time...avoid every one and everything and just be alone. Maybe I should plan to leave and go somewhere to be alone.

Maybe I should go to Hot Springs...?

Would that be too much?

I thought it had gotten better. It has. I manage much better every day. I do not cry every day. ...but that wound is still wide open, and pulsing with every heartbeat, just underneath the surface things that a body and mind does to keep itself sane.

I wonder if I'll ever be loved like that again...and if someone tries...will I be open to it?

I miss him.

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