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2016-09-29 - 9:14 p.m.

Still in the Soup

I'm still jacked up. Nine months later, still not over it.

I've cried a lot in the past few days. Maybe it's the weather change; we had a wonderful time together last Fall and I can't help thinking about it.

I cry for him every time I grill, because that's his job. HE'S the grill man. While I'm tending the coals and cooking, I'm so sharply reminded that he's gone. I "see" him in various places around our land...like I did when he died. I imagine him standing everywhere. All the places I've seen him stand before. Where he SHOULD be standing. I see his figure and I remember him and my heart just sinks into itself. I think of how good his hugs were. I imagine him standing in front of me, and look up to the place his face should be. I remember everything about his embrace and I miss it so much it hurts. I feel very offended that this happened. Very offended. I was just minding my own business, being a good person and loving my husband and THIS isn't fair. I feel sorry for myself and deeply sad. And angry.

And life keeps smacking me in the face.

I need ...something.


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