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2016-12-22 - 11:58 a.m. ONE READER IS ENOUGH. MERRY CHRISTMAS. Hello, Diary. Long time no type. Time crawled and flew at once this past year. I was going to have Christmas the way we have had it for the past two years, with my family all coming to spend the holiday here in my new home, but when it came time to decorate I realized that was going to be a lot harder than I had imagined. Mom said she was waiting for me to have that realization. Change of plans....going to Mama's for Christmas. I sure miss him. He was an elf, you know. He would start listening to Christmas music at the very first opportunity. He loved all the shows, especially the corny, sappy ones, and he loooooooooooooved gaudy decorations. I am more of a classic holiday decorator...Southern Living magazine type. He liked Dollar General plastic junk. If I had known how soon he'd be gone from this earth, I'd have left his ugly-ass, two dollar blue plastic penguin door cover. Poor baby. He just had THE worst taste. he never got over the fact that I trashed his cheap penguin door cover. I laughed at him over it. It's still funny, honey, I'm sorry. That thing was hideous. So...yeah, I miss him. I still cry. I have moments when my mind goes completely back to the feel of his skin, the way it felt to have his arms wrapped around me...that comfort and security. I can call it all to mind if I allow myself...but it hurts, so I don't. That said...I'm getting better. Either that, or I've just begun ignoring what hurts. Either way, I don't cry every day any more. I don't always spend alone time being wistful. I am moving forward. I'm healing. I'll never forget him, and I'll never not love him, and I'll always miss him...but my love for Mike and his for me was not all there is to my life. There is more, and it's time to move on and find it. My year of fun happenings continues. I saw my doctor, he told me he thought I simply had asthma, I rejoiced. Then the bloodwork came back and he called to tell me he was wrong and that I need to come back. Cest la vie. I'll go back. I will not be needing steroids. My body is going to heal. God said so. I'm not sick. My computer blew up. I paid 2K and went through hell trying to figure out what would work and what wouldn't to get me back on track. I endured three weeks of difficulty working on a temporary and very slow system, but at least I HAD a system to work with, albeit painfully slow. That was a miracle in itself because what I found out was, old software doesn't want to work with new computers. I had to eventually give up trying to do that and buy not only a new computer system but the newest software too. The result: my new stuff is far better than what I had before. My sound is impeccable, flawless...and as a result, my business is going to grow even more. Good things are happening, and I'm going to make more money than I know what to do with. So yeah, I had to pay a couple thousand to get through this...but it's all good. I HAD THE MONEY. I didn't have to borrow. I didn't have to sell anything. I didn't lose a speck of work as this latest misfortune unfolded. All because: God is good. He said He'd take care of me and HE DOES. Note to sole reader: My life blew up. Death, debt, trouble, crisis. Seemingly without end...but I've weathered it without hopelessness and depression and mostly (would be completely if I were more seasoned) without panic. If you're moving through life suffering, worrying, feeling you're lacking, feeling an emptiness, a sadness, a blank spot where love should be...God. He is real and patienty waiting for you to stop flailing. I dare you to ask Him to prove Himself to you and make Himself abundantly clear to you. There's no one He loves more than you...and He already knows everything about you so you don't have to feel awkward. Your life isn't easy either. You should have someone to depend on, as I do. It sure makes it better. <3 Back to me. This is the first Christmas in 5 years that I have not put any gifts on credit. I didn't HAVE to. It seems...the hole in my financial bucket is gone. It was you, honey. It was YOU. And with that, I'd better get back to work. It's a different kind of Christmas for sure, but I sure am grateful for it.
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