2017-01-10 - 11:08 a.m.

BETTER

Friday makes a year since I lost Mike.

I'm handling it very well, I think. I have come to a place where my emotions are under control for the vast majority of the time. If there's a breach brought on by a song or scent or memory, opening a drawer and having something of his roll into my view and strike just the right/wrong chord in my heart... I just go with it. I've learned there is no stifling. Just ride it out. I carry tissues at all times, but I need them less and less.

Still, there's a sadness hovering in the air right now. It's surreal. I can stand outside our home and remember it...everything...just exactly how it was when I was dealing with the sudden loss of him. I'm learning that for all my "improvements" and "overcoming"...the whole thing is still just as fresh as ever in my heart. I haven't healed...I've just stopped the bleeding. I think.

I miss him every day. I've made a new life, but I miss him every day. I miss being loved. Comforted and held. I miss knowing he is there. I miss him on his side of the bed. Sometimes I stare at it and envision right where he would be. Lying on his side, popped up and wearing nothing but his reading glasses, as he read his books after his shower at night, looking like a great, big cherub. Hugging me in the kitchen like we used to do. Two stepping me around the house. I take comfort in knowing that he goes on, somewhere...but it doesn't help when my heart breaks down here.

Still, I am alright. I know God cares for me. I'm encouraged about the future. I am going to be not just okay, but better. I'm on a path and it is taking me where I should have been for the last three decades. All my decisions are my own now, but I rather like that. I'm recreating my world just as I want it to be.

And no one is ever *really* gone.

�

�

previous - next