Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

2020-07-27 - 2:21 p.m.

FREE!

I have turned a corner.

In my past, I have mewled, bleated, cried and complained both privately and publicly over the fact that I could not seem to find true love. Eventually, despite this, I married again, and got as close to true love as I had ever been...and then he died. The relationship we had was certainly not perfect but I did love him. Still, even there, the all-encompassing, wonderful, wild love I wished for didn't really happen. My deceased hubby would be horrified to hear that, but it's true. I loved him, but the boxes were not ALL checked. I'm not sure it's possible for them to be, actually. How would I know, though? Never experienced that.

In the time between my first husband and second, I entertained all manner of clowns. Toxic clowns, drunken clowns, married clowns, literally stupid clowns. Sadly, I was so desperate for attention from males that I put myself in the company of those who didn't deserve to wash my truck. My desperation only grew and so, when I met my future second husband, I acted on it without even thinking. He outshined them all so brightly, it seemed like the thing to do. I did it, and 5 pretty good years were had. Better than any I had had previously, but still...never reaching that fabled zenith of relationship nirvana.

The corner I've turned is this: IT ISSSSS A FABLE! "Relationship nirvana" does not exist, but SOLO utopia absolutely DOES! It's not even a sad discovery...it's a welcome one! I am free of my desperate need for companionship! All the things I used to long for have evaporated! I'm not sure how it happened; it's not menopause as I'm still very "intact" physically, and it's not "giving up" because I'm not bitter about it. It's just freedom!

I will never trap myself with a self-centered person who expects to have his needs met. I will never be anyone's handy maid, chef, kid wrangler, errand runner or sounding board. I will not ask permission to do or buy anything, or need clearance to go anywhere, or have to give ONE OUNCE of attention to anything I don't choose myself. I control my money, and no one but me will say how it's spent. COMPLETE AUTONOMY. And best of all...no little pudgy, thumping me in the back, that the attached finds SO very important, that they believe women dream of and crave. Newsflash: we don't. And your belief that we do, is comical. (Let it be known, it DOES have it's purpose, and it is not always hated and dreaded, and can be very nice given the right circumstances, but you guys DO carry on, with your terribly mistaken ideas about it's importance. Women laugh, between ourselves, at how very important you believe the little pink thing to be. It's kinda mean that we laugh, but laugh we do. We just don't tell you, because your ego can't take it.)

I'm not a feminist, so much. I mean, I love we women and all, and believe we deserve rights and safety and a certain respect, but I'm no man hater. I'm just a freedom lover...and since all men have been able to do up to this point in my life is disappoint me...some more than others, but all, consistently...I'm going to focus on the one who *never* lets me down: ME!

I am free of you, man! I might just have to bake a cake on that!


free hit counter

0 comments so far

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!