2009-03-25 - 8:21 a.m.

BOO fuckin HOO

What is stupid, is when fairytale endings make you tear up because you missed it and you feel sorry for yourself.

I have two beautiful kids that I wouldn't trade for the world. They're the whole deal for me and they're turning out wonderfully and I am raising them very well all by myself. I'm not sorry about how my life has gone in that respect. I'm very blessed.

That said, I'm feeling sorry for me again. I've long had trouble with fairytale endings and sweet romance stories. It used to baffle me- whyyyyyy do I get so choked up when a story turns to someone's perfect love, be it fiction or non? I get it now- it gets to me because I missed it.

My wedding was a tiny blip on the screen, a two-bit affair that everyone in attendance, except me and my mistake, knew was wrong. My dress was inexpensive, the hall was cheap, the gathering hasty and low budget. No full reception. No honeymoon. No real concept of what marriage was, or what a real man was.

I've always been pretty proud of that wedding, considering myself a bigger person than all my dithering female counterparts because I saw no good in spending thousands of dollars no one could really afford on a bunch of pomp that was over in a day. Even now, I don't really feel too much different about that, to be truthful...but I know now that it *does* bother me that I missed it.

What brought this on? I was just reading a book- won't tell you which, because it's fluff and I'm embarrassed-but in the book, the hero and heroine are married in a beautiful ceremony, and everyone approves of the groom and no one is looking at the bride like she's fucking up, and there's a beautiful victorian dress and a real honeymoon, and the man loves the woman, and he's going to do it right, because he adores her and wouldn't dream of hurting her, yadayadayada. A lovely wedding, cementing a perfect union. I'm reading along, minding my business, when I suddenly realized I felt like crying. It's not even PMS time, when the weather can make me cry. It's the stupid theme again...the true love theme...fucking hell. THAT is what is making me cry, and it does it every stupid time.

Then I wanted to write about it, to purge myself, and later, I'll see this here and I'll erase it, because it, too, is stupid. Mewling and wallowing. Never attractive.

I won't be trying to reclaim the lost thing. I don't think I can, really. I won't be fluffing up in some big ole dress someday to reclaim what I missed. It's not the wedding anyway. It's the emotion behind the wedding, the true love thing, the "you were made for me" thing, which is what I really feel sore about having sidestepped in my life. It's been my whole life so far and it hasn't happened yet. I THOUGHT it had happened but figured out the mistake pretty quickly.

I want to adjust to the truth and be happy with it. I don't find complete realtionships; it's always pieces. Parts. No one's rushing to commit, and no one should. What has existed has been fraught with problems and outright deal-breakers...so many concessions to make, blatant red flags to overlook. I'd have to squeeze my eyes shut and ball up my fists and plow forward despite the huge, glaring problems, were I to try to make any of my fragmented opportunities into what I wished would have naturally happened to me. I'm not willing to do that. It is easier to withdraw.

The "swept off my feet" love isn't happening. I wish I could get my head around that well enough to be able to watch the end of a damn Disney film without having to leave the room.

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