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2007-02-03 - 3:45 p.m.

YOU KILLED MY WAFFLE HOUSE

Shock and Horror.

Those are the two things which have brought me here to write this out after virtually months of nothing. Let me explain.

Today I got up early and took the kids to work with me for a coupla hours, afterward shuffling them off for a roadtrip with their paternal Granny. I then went about figuring out what to do with myself, confused by the rarity of a child-free day and, after doing my duty on the elliptical machine from hell, decided to take myself for a perfectly diet-legal omelete from The Waffle House.

I walked in, was greeted, seated and flanked by a gaggle of waitresses who know me and happily went about the business of bringing me coffee. I was sipping and hearing Stacy the waitress chatter about the joys of disc golf when I saw the cook turn and say, "Hey Myra"...and my very soul froze. The "chef", the wielder of the Waffle House spatula, the harbinger of hashbrown and the toucher of my food was none other than Billy. Billy the radio-clingon. Billy the DOOKIE-BREATH-HAVING, BLACK-TOOTHED, ADVERSE-TO-BASIC-ORAL-HYGIENE radio clingon was cooking my food. Hovering over my food. Potentially touching the ingredients of my food...which instantly became, in my mind, an "ominouslette".


Me and Billy

My heart sank further when new guests walked in and Billy enthusiastically greeted them with a robust, "MORNIN' FOLKS, WELCOME TO WAFFLE HOUSE!"

I could all-too-clearly picture the shower of stinky molecules that sprayed from Billy's sunken facehole onto my cooking ominouslette. Billy greeted customer after customer in this fashion, and I grew less and less hungry with each jingle of the door chime.

A hunger stomping wave of nausea passed over me as I realized that the brown stubs that once flecked Billy's gums had given up the ghost and fallen out, leaving him, like Ren Hoek, with nothing but stinky holes. Stinky holes over my food.

My Waffle House is ruined.


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