2006-06-14 - 10:35 p.m.

WELL DAMN

So I went to the doctor and paid the cost of the office visit for the opportunity to save myself flight grief by having my good ole general practitioner prescribe me a few Valium specifically for the trip.

I never saw my doctor. Instead I was directed to his nurse, who was nice enough and can write prescriptions, but who absolutely flat refused to give me what I asked for.

I wanted Valium because I have seen how valium works on those in a state of duress. I had a little cancer scare once, and was prescibed a small amount of Valium so that I could get through the days between "We found something on your lung" and "Congratulations, it's not cancer". I didn't want to sob openly in my little kid's faces, and the magic of Valium did the trick, keeping my emotions so in check that my kids never had an inkling that Mama was deeply terrified. Yay, Valium! I also saw the magic at work when my sister Wilberteets lost her canine child, Dagget, in a MOST tragic way. She was inconsolable and couldn't help herself WHATsoever until somebody poked a little blue wonder down her throat. Only then did she get a handle on her emotions and become able to function without breaking down piteously and repeatedly at inappropriate times.

The nurse pushed Klonopin on me. she tried to give me Xanax, I told her it puts me to sleep. She swore that Klonopin was effective in the way I required and that it in fact had an even longer "shelf life", and would keep me calm longer than Valium would. That sounded great. She sent me home with 30, and instructions to "test drive" the medicine. "Take one before bed, just to see how it affects you", she said, and I did. And it did absolutely NOTHING.

NOTHING.

I felt not a single bit different. And I took a Whole. She said take half, but I'm no waif and I took a whole, and nothing, I repeat NOTHING, happened. Klonopin is NOT GOING TO HELP ME. I called her today and told her the stuff didn't have any effect...but she refused to consider my plea for the thing I KNOW works. She did not give me any solid reason why she just can't see her way clear to give me the thing I want. I would gladly return ALL the Klonopin for half as many 10 mg. Valium...but she wouldn't have it. She told me instead to "test drive" 1.5 Klonopin tonight. I took 2. Thirty minutes ago...and I feel nothing.

My sister says that office is most probably getting a kickback from Klonopin's maker. That makes me very, very incredibly angry. I do not feel any better about flying, not a single bit. I'm out several bucks for the office visit and the Klonopin, I'm angry that I did not even achieve my objective, and I'm hacked to have a prescription of pills that might as fucking well be Pez as far as helping me deal with my horrible, soul-crushing fear of flying.

Now I have three choices. 1.) Suffer. (not an option, actually.) 2.) Call back a THIRD TIME to plead with this woman to reconsider my request and appear embarrassingly desperate or 3.) Go to another doctor, make the same request and risk them finding out about my first appointment and thereby labeling me a drug seeker.

I need blue ones. Just a few to help me fly. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL??????

Please, God. Step in and help me get around that stubborn, non-helping NOT A DOCTOR nurse. Nothing's ever smooth. There is ALWAYS a hold up. *grumble*

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