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2009-01-01 - 11:08 p.m.

THE BLOCK PARTY, THE BAG OF DOUCHE, AND THE BIG DUMB DRUNK

What an evening.

There's an ugly, pockmarked, unremarkable, worthless bag of douche on our street who has been beating the hell out of his doormat wife for 29 years. Finally, this past September, she finally worked up the gumption to throw him out, when she found out he was actively stalking three separate women in our neighborhood. The regular ass beatings weren't enough for the wife to break free, but boy, she was not about to stand for having to potentially SHARE those ass beatings with any other women! She threw him out, and finally, blessedly, he has been asked not to come around. Imagine my chagrin on Christmas Eve
Day when I heard shouting outside and looked out to see the useless bag of douche stalking back and forth in his lost driveway holding a handgun.

He left, but to make a long story short...er...he returned again, prompting me to call the police on Doormat's behalf. Turns out she was on the line with them, too, inside her house. The cops came, he was dealt with, and all we neighbors had a pow wow about how much we dislike Bag of Douche, and how Doormat needs to stick to her guns before she gets one shoved into her eye socket.

My neighbors are a bunch of cow-towing wieners. Every New Year's Eve, there is a street party held in our cul-de-sac, and I was horrified to learn that despite our powwow, and despite the very recent dangerous situation involving the gun-wielding Bag Of Douche, and despite the RESTRAINING ORDER Doormat had finally had the balls to take out against Bag Of Douche, Bag of Douche would be attending our New Year's Eve soiree. That's right, Doormat was actually planning to LEAVE THE STREET so that Bag Of Douche could come get jiggy with his good, good friends on the street. Not a single one of those cow-towing weenie bags had the guts to say the first thing to deter him. All the sudden they were all, "Ohhh, he's all riiiiiiight, he ain't gon 'cause no trouble...". I was furious, and I let them know that if Bag Of Douche was there, I wouldn't be. Call me crazy, but it just didn't seem like the best idea ever to get Asshole McBeaterson drunk. We KNOW he's nuts, we KNOW he has a gun and a stunning lack of regard for others, all we need now is to ply him with large amounts of alcohol and we got us a humdinger of a party! ...Whatta bunch of dummies.


So, later in the evening I found out Bag Of Douche had opted to leave the party when some big dudes from Texas, having heard about his claim to fame, sidled up to him and asked him if he saw any pretty ladies he'd like to beat up on? He fled, hastily. Smart move. The Tejas Gang are all huge, muscle-bound and of a mind that no party is complete without an old fashioned ass kickin'. I wish they'd done it. Even my mother said that Bag Of Douche should be invited to "a blanket party". And you know, she's right. That man neeeeeeeeeds to feel his teeth floating freely in a mouthful of blood. He is hated and despised.

In an unrelated and yet interesting side-story, one of the Tejas boys came up to me and said, "I think I know what it is about me that drives you wild. I know why you want me...but I love my wife. You're beautiful, and if not for my wife I would jump on you without a second thought, but I love. My. Wife." The sad part is, I hadn't looked at, or spoken to, him at all. This came out of left field. He's a big, over-moussed, puffed up, foghorn-leghorn lookin' bozo, and the *really* funny part is, this is the THIRD YEAR IN A ROW that he has walked up and said things of this nature to me. I have NO idea what is going on in this dude's head. I truly, have nothing to DO with him but invariably he walks up to me and says some crazy mess. Last year it was, and I quote, "What IS it about me that you find SO ATTRACTIVE?" No lie. That was a huge laugh last year, once he was gone and I could explain it to my friend (his sister-in-law). We sniggered liberally over his ridiculousness. The year before that, I found out many days after the party that I had apparently "hit on him" (I hadn't spoken to him, he's KEERAYZEE.) This year when he came up spouting all that same shizz, I was so flabbergasted that all I could do was laugh and say, "Wow!" I just doubled over and laughed at him. I don't know WHY I don't just say, DUDE, YOU'RE A BIG DUMB UGLY FUCK AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!! But...I can't do it. He's just so EARNEST about it all. I really think there is something very mental going on with him. Before the night was over the wife he loves so much was royally pissed off at him 'cause apparently he's a big moron who can't have a drink without totally embarrassing his spouse. I won't have a problem from now on, he ended up getting in trouble last night and decided to drunkenly attempt to take it out on me and effectively erased any pity I might have had for him. Next time he talks to me I'll tell him his tits are big, his teeth are discolored and I'd rather pork his 76 year old father-in-law. I may bark his shin for effect. Stupid clown.

And now, I am tired of typing. Soon, I'll tell you about the cross dresser who loves me, but that is a story for another night, gentle reader. Happy New Year.


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