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2009-07-01 - 12:38 a.m. I SHOT SANTA I crushed my baby tonight, and I feel horrible. I wish I could go back in time and lie my socks off. My daughter is a very bright 7 year old who will turn 8 in just over two months, and over the last year or so, she has randomly asked questions about Santa Claus and whether or not he is real. I always say, "Of course he's real!", while busying myself and changing the subject as quickly as possible. She's come home from school before saying, "So-and-so said Santa isn't real..." and I've deflected that by saying something along the lines of, "Well, maybe so-and-so was bad and didn't get anything, you think?" I've always been able to steer the conversation away from the ugly truth, but I've wondered a lot if she, at her core, knows the deal and wants me to level with her. I mean, she DOES keep asking. Every time, I've decided that she's young enough to continue believing. I haven't been tempted to tell her the facts as long as she seemed to want to believe. Tonight, she hit me with the heavy artillery. After the normal question and answer period ("Is he real?" "Of course he's real." "No, Mom, REALLY real. Is he?" "You bet he is! If you don't believe you don't receive!" "So he's real then." "That's what I said, yes.") she looked me in the eyes and said, "Mom, do you SWEAR TO JESUS he's real?" ...We use "swear to Jesus" only in dire situations when we need to know FOR SURE that no one is lying. "Swear to Jesus" is serious business. I just stared at her for the longest time, my mind a flurry of "Does she know? Does she WANT to know? Is this a trick? Is she tricking me with her seemingly mature stare? If I confess, will it be bad? Will she be relieved? Will she cry? Should I LIE when we're SWEARING TO JESUS?????? ...and my pause was so long that she knew, or seemed to know. She pointed at me and said "He's not! He's not is he??? Mama!!!" and I said, "Mama brings the gifts, but there IS Santa...but he's a spirit of giving and goodwill!" But it was too late. The truth was out and it was ugly and unwanted. For all the nagging, pestering and pointed questioning, this little almost 8 year old angel-faced girl did NOT want that truth. I saw it all at once in her eyes, which welled up with huge sparkling tears that lasted an hour, not stopping until she fell asleep. I wish I could go back, I'd lie like a rug regardless of Jesus being brought into it. I feel terrible, she could've had a few more years of magic and I blew them because I believed she was ready. All the questioning...it made me think she really DID want to know, and the "swear to Jesus" part just made it feel like this was THE time to be truthful. Now I feel like a jerk, like I've taken something wonderful from her that can't be restored. She said, "Every since you told me about the Easter Bunny (also brought on by FBI-quality pointed questioning) I have felt funny about Easter and now I'm gonna feel funny about Christmas tooooo" and dissolved into tears again. I just feel awful. She could've had at least two more years. She's only 7. I went online looking for solace, for other parents who did the same stupid thing and everything turned out fine for them, but all I found were opinions from parents along the lines of "let them believe as long as they can", and "why take the magic out of a child's life? It's gone so soon anyway..." Gah. It just makes me feel even worse. I hope I can re-instill some sort of holiday magic in my little girl before the holidays come around this year. Santa Killer, over and out. free hit counter � � 0 comments so far
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