2006-01-20 - 11:18 p.m.

FASHION CRIME

Did you ever get to work and realize that you'd dressed yourself like a clown?

I have. Honka, honka.

WHAT in the name of all that's holy was I thinking this morning? Homeless chic? Was I attempting to channel Sgt. Pepper's dowdy sister? Am I subconsciously trying to get my ass kicked?

I hate myself.

See, I recently dropped a lot of clothing at the local Goodwill store, and while there, I popped in to (take more crap home) check for jeans. I don't usually do my shopping thrift-style, but every now and then, I find myself checking in to see if any really rich people have become too good for any really nice jeans.
I bought two pair at three bucks each. One pair was the very style I really like to wear, but was marred by an unfortunate strip of white lace down the side of each leg. I bought them anyway because they have potential, and for crying out loud, they were three bucks. I'll fix them, I thought.

I didn't fix them, oh no. Instead, in an 'oh-crap-I-don't-have-any-clean-pants' panic, I put the fuckers on and paired them, inexplicably, with what could very well be the ugliest damn shirt in the world.

Now, strangely, as often happens when I'm feeling like a dickchip, people keep complimenting me. Perhaps because the overall royal blue of the whole get-up compliments my complection. Whatever. I take it where I can get it.

I stopped by and showed Rhonda the duds, sharing with her the deep secret that I am ashamed of myself today. I knew she'd enjoy it, as she often gives me the "you think you're so much better than me don't you, you bitch" look...and that's if she doesn't say it outright. Rhonda saw, and she laughed. Not a sympathetic, friend laugh, but much more of a catty, directly triumphant laugh. The laugh that bitter people laugh. And then she said, "I feel so much better, seeing you in public dressed like that."

I smiled, mulled over her words, and felt these words prying at my lips, begging to be let out. "Enjoy it, 'cause tomorrow I'll be back to normal...but you'll still be shaped like Timer."

If I had said it, I probably would be hankerin' for a tourniquette right about now.

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