So do hairs, stray boogers, eyelashes, the odd insect and various blobs of unidentified goo.
I don't think people intend to serve me gross, inedible stuff. It just happens. The other night at Chili's, a long strand of wavy, brunette hair was delicately curled along the entire length of my cob of corn. At Bennigan's once, I got raw chicken wings. The next visit, it was a crescent shaped strand of light brown hair with the entree. Recently at the Chinese place I was served a crab claw in a state of necrosis, and further back in time I found a short, black, eye-related hair jutting from my fried rice. It even happened at home some years ago, when in the bottom of my glass of red kool-aid was, spinning gracefully in circles with the ice, a dead and bloated spider. It's legs were all floppy and moved lazily with the current. Gah. Even now, I could blow. Tonight, at the New Orleans-style restaurant that my sister Wilberteets and I frequent, there was some sort of gelatinous clem clinging to the interior of the mug my coffee was served in. Sadly, I was mid-slurp when the coffee line went down far enough to reveal the horror. Surely it's only some food-based matter and harmless, but in my mind it's always dick cheese. Yes, it's some hulking, pimpled jackass in the back who hates his job and girls like me and he's greased my cup with his stunted manchowder in an effort to strike back at the cosmos and society at large in retaliation for his shitty lot in life. He's the guy with too much facial oil and those icky nostrils you can see up from any angle and he's dragged his lefty around the rim of my cup. Oh god. The lucky part, I guess, is that I always seem to notice these things before it's too late. Even not noticing at all would be preferable. I'd rather eat something gross and never know it, than to spit out half of something awful. Still. I wondered tonight how the woman could have poured the coffee without noticing the nasty-looking thing in the cup, and Teets said the smear was most likely not so visible until the coffee had soaked into it, darkening it, and she's probably right. Still, I can't help but be a bit suspicious, wondering if the waitress hadn't just gambled on the coffee being hot enough to melt whatever it was away before I noticed it. She seemed stressed and distracted, and it's strange the kind of stuff people will try to pass over on you, banking on the hope that you're dumb enough to buy it. That same principal applies in relationships, too, by the way, but that's a whole 'nother confrontational and angry entry, isn't it?
Now that I think about it, I started this entry wrong, because of all the horrible things I've discovered, the only thing I've never encountered is poo. Or maybe I just didn't notice it in time! Yeecccccchhhh. I'm going to go brush my teeth.
