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2006-01-15 - 7:10 p.m.

YOU SIMPLY MUST TRY THE DOOKIE PUFFS

I am seriously suspicious of people when it comes to food. I have a hard time controlling my thought process enough to enjoy food prepared by strangers at pot-luck-type events, like church and work functions. I eat, for sure...but while I do, I consider Naomi's tremendously long fingernails and what may lurk beneath. I wonder whether or not Art scratched his ashy pate with the same nail he used to hold that prawn still while he chopped it. I fret over the prospect of suddenly encountering a suspiciously sticky chive.
I don't trust people.
But I REALLY don't trust fast-food people.

Do not accuse me of judging the burger folk, for I was once a wearer of the brown polyester. I donned the ugly brown visor and felt the sting of the wayward grease fleck under the oppressive yellow arches. I was there, man. Still...things are different now. My generation didn't shoot classmates and beat the homeless with bats. I'm sure many-a-loogie was thoobed into the bottom of a Popeye's red beans n' rice cup circa 1985, but not on MY watch, pal.

So tonight, when the pimply, redheaded failure at Sandwichland leaned down, handed me my bag and coolly said, "Enjoy your cookie"...I KNEW he had dragged his penis across it.


So I shot him.


Nah. I ate it. But I didn't enjoy it.



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