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2003-11-23 - 6:06 p.m.

You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself, Dagget

I just wiped butter off the dog.

Dagget is a snack whore. All homedog cares about is some eats. Any eats.

He went so far as to fling himself at a pile of pumpkin guts this Halloween and snarfed them. By george, it'll make a turd, and that's really all that counts with Dag. He's shameless.

He's a chihuahua who's supposed to weigh about 6 pounds full grown. Dagget has missed the mark somewhat...he's a 16lb sausagedog with a tiny head. He looks like the Hindenburg. You might say, for a chihuahua, he's a bit husky.

So I put some fake butter spread on a slice of bread to eat here before the screen, and Dag's patented EatsAlarm had him immediately right here, staring, hoping, praying, shivering slightly, wanting, needing, begging, pleadingjust gimme a bite gimme a bite gimme a bite c'mon just a bite gimme a bite PLEASEFORTHELOVEOFGODGIMMEABITE!!!

So I tossed him a bite, then another and another, finally splitting the last piece and tossing half of it to him, too.

It went over his head, landed butter-side-down on his back, and stuck.

Dag lost his mind.

You know the cruel fun in fake-throwing a ball for a dog who can't get enough fetching?

Try sticking a piece of food to a snackwhore's back. He could smell it, and when he craned, he could see it, but for the life of him he just couldn't GRAB IT...and he was seriously stressing. To make matters worse, the other dog in the family took notice of the buttery bite of bliss on Dag's back and advanced, which forced poor, panicking Dag to spin faster and faster, twirling frantically in a pitiful, crazed circle that reminded me of the mad piano player in the film Reefer Madness and nearly cost me my continence. High comedy.

I finally plucked the morsel off his back and gave it to him, afraid he'd snap his own neck if I didn't. He snorted when he ate it, and I don't even think he cared. He's a snackwhore.

Next, I'm doin' a blob of peanut butter with a piece of slim jim pressed into it, right between his shoulder blades. He'll drill himself to China. Hee hee hee.


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