2005-12-17 - 2:15 a.m.

SOME PEOPLE JUST SHOULDN'T DRINK

Oooh.

Too much to tell...not enough time. I'm just gonnna blurt out the really good stuff because odds are, the more time that passes the less likely I am to type out any of it. What can I say? I'm easy to distract.

So we had our company Christmas party last night. The bar was open, people drank, and several usually normal folks morphed quickly into embarrassing jackwads. I was not one of the jackwads, thankyouGod. When you're the sole custodian of two kids and a public figure to boot, you don't get drunk and drive your own fool ass around. I was forced to NOT be an ass. I felt a bit sorry for me at first, but after witnessing some serious ig'nance, I counted myself amongst the lucky.

In short, my program director got up on stage, at what was supposed to be a FESTIVE HOLIDAY EVENT, and made a bid for a moment of silence for a stiff. We lost a staff member last year, the day after our '04 holiday party (not alcohol poisoning, but pulmonary thrombosis) and J. thought we should all have a "moment". Problem is, when you get onstage at a holiday shindig loaded with booze-swilling party-goers, the odds of silence are not so good. I think everyone was expecting, say, a simple door prize, or the announcement that someone's F-150 was illegally parked. No one got silent, and J., who'd been drinking all day and should NEVER be given a microphone when under the influence, ended up screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP, GODDAMMIT, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Suffice to say, the moment of silence wasn't so much about our dead pal, but more about "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat did he just say?" It truly was an embarrasing, ridiculous display. I'm so glad that wasn't me. Oh, but it got better.

We have a new saleperson. "My friends call me Kitten" should have been ALL necessary to predict what was coming. In short, her husband's in Iraq and he might as well stay, as "Kitten" suggested orgies with a number of different people, vigorouosly dry-humped every warm body in her path as if there were a trophy for hunchery, and ended up scrubbing her (I'm sure) well-worn ugly with our production director's by the light of the merry, holiday moon. It was obvious from go that SOMEBODY was gonna pork "Kitten"...and it just so happened to end up being a male. The other salesgirls had tried to tell me that "Kitten" was hitting on men and women alike, but I insisted that they give her the benefit of the doubt. Some folks are just touchy-feely, and she was new. Maybe she's just...really social. Imagine my chagrin when Humpy McFuckanybody sidled up behind me and began caressing my back and running her fingers through my hair. NOT COOL. I tensed up so much that her fingers probably got pinched. She must have noticed because she moved along...and after humiliating herself (unwittingly) with both seriously bad dancing AND tone deaf karaoke, she predictably went for the genitalia of the prod director, thus giving everyone the cherry on the gossip cake. That fellah probably has a very itchy weenie indeed, this day.

I was the provider of good karaoke, save for the horrible "Love Shack" incident, which I was cajoled into only to find that the girl who asked me to sing with her couldn't carry a tune if it was strapped to her back. When I went to harmonize, her voice would raise to match mine rather than to hold the lead, resulting in intense ass. I was shamed...but redeemed, as I had already done my bit a few times solo and worked it out.
Did I mention that Hobag McHumpsalot jumped into the Love Shack debacle, too? Uninvited, drunken and grabby, she went for the mic and began a caterwauling brouhaha complete with a pelvic-thrusting unlike any I've ever witnessed. Had she been sporting a tampon, it would have easily slung out and into someone's drink. That would have been really funny, now that I think of it..but as it stood, it was just embarrassing and rather piteous as "Kitten" thought she looked great, when in fact she looked like a tard on PCP, trying to shake a doodie loose.

I had prepared a song for the event. It was a song with a purpose as we've had problems in the ladies' room that my pointed memos alone apparently cannot solve. It seems one on our staff has a terribly cheesy bag. Yes, Im talkin' unwashed taint, skanky skinflute, mangy meat n' veg...dude doesn't wash well and yet keeps squeeging off loaves in the ladies' room because his dirty ass doesn't WANT to perch on the men's toilet. I had enough and wrote what may be the funniest song ever written...but inside me, despite the CRAZY funny of my creation, my spirit was warning me not to play it. It's just...all those PEOPLE. I don't know them all; some are from our sister company but share a party with us, and I didn't want any of them to have an impression of me based on that song alone. It was written in anger and is just TOO horrible (which made it ridiculously funny) and I chickened out. I need to post this so you can hear it. I need to learn how to html sound files. Anyone? At the very least, please someone go to Pork Tornado and tell him that this song is something he should hear. He'd love me then. Oh yes.

ALAS. There's more, but I have to work tomorrow and it's freakin 3am. I hate myself.

Goodnight.

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