2016-07-16 - 10:41 p.m.

Nobody's Looking Anyway

Man, I've been so tempted to come back here and erase that earlier, angry post. The language, for one...and then, there's the embarrassment factor. 'Cause let's face it, when you write anything at all, and you're as angry as I felt while I was writing that, it's gonna sound stupid later, when you no longer feel as mad. I haven't even looked at it again, just had a lot of thoughts like, "Yeesh... I bet it's ridiculous...." and "You should go erase that crap before anyone sees it..."

But then it occurred to me...nobody sees it. This diary has been defunct for so long that anyone who ever DID read it before has long forgotten about it. So, I'm safe to embarrass myself all I want. ...Yay?

My whole situation is grief. Grief, and also just being tired of the whole cycle. I'm sure I've explained it. I want something new...something exciting...a distraction. But, I know it's not time for anything like that in any respect. Not time to move. Not time to do anything major. I need to just sit in this, need to move slowly, plan and execute said plans wisely, and for the love of all that's holy, I need to get myself in shape. I've been a lazy schmuck and it's showing in so many ways. I hate physical exertion, plus and I can't breathe real well....both very good reasons to physically exert myself and try to fix this mess. ...and I don't even want to talk about my self esteem. Suffice to say, the man who loved me "no matter what" is dead, and my confidence died with him. I feel that in a thousand ways.

So I wake up each day with big plans. BIG PLANS! Oh heck yeah, today's the day! And then my daughter bakes cookies....or I neglect to eat the chia-hemp-protein-goo-wad-sludge-crap that I intended to eat and replace it with whatever. Then later, I remember that I have the ingredients for a tasty cocktail or three, and if I don't I go out and get them. Then I sit my fat ass down on square one again and peruse facebook, sneering like Nelly Olsen with PMS as I scroll through at all the fit people, and the happy people, and the people who are enjoying realtionships. HOW DARE THEY DO THAT WHEN I'M FAT AND LONELY?

HAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAA

It's sort of funny...when it's not really, extra sad. (...which is sorta funny.)

I have got the ball rolling to go see my specialist, whom I have not seen for 5 years, to be sure the sarcoidosis isn't growing inside my lungs. I am awfully winded, awfully easily, but I am inclined to believe that is because I need desperately to lose 40 pounds. However...to be sure, I'm going to go for the poking, prodding, MRI's and tests to be sure everything is as it was and there is nothing to be worried about. Till then...Moscow Mule anyone? WHY YEZZZZZZZ! I think I will.

Feh.

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