2019-12-18 - 7:02 p.m.

Give till it hurts (or, Whine and Cheese)

I'm feeling terribly sorry for myself today.

Why?

Because I give. I give all I can, all the time. All the time. And it never happens back. There's no universal reciprocation going on here. Mewl, mewl.

Let's put aside for a moment, if one can, that my eternal soul is saved, that my God looks out for me and answers my prayers, that I have all my immediate family still alive and with me, that I make more than enough money to stay sheltered, fed and able to go and do most of what I want to go and do...

...and that makes me want to close this out and not say another word because I oughta be ashamed for whining.
because I may still have a follower. There may still be an eyeball on this diary that was defunct for so long, and I may be revealing myself on a day when I am feeling hormonal or menopausal or whatthefuckeveritis that I am feeling today...and I don't want people looking at me in that way and knowing what a sad sack, petty, mewling asshat I can be in my private moments. But know what? They have their asshat moments, too. So...fuck it.

I want to feel sorry for me here, and that's what I'm by-jove gonna do.

So. I give money to people. A lot. I don't have a lot of money. I dare say I don't have enough to do the many things that need doing in my own life, but I feel l blessed in how I'm able to live despite my bad turns, and I feel for others, so, I give. Sometimes when I can, and sometimes when I really shouldn't. I don't talk about it or brag. I don't Facebook it to "encourage others to do the same" when really, it's just a big show to say LOOK WHAT IIIIIIIIII DID FOR THIS POOR PERSON!" I tell no one. I do things, OFTEN, and I tell those for whom I do, that it is between us and to please not say anything publicly. Mostly because my family knows I'm in no position to be giving anything to anybody, and I don't want to be harassed. But I give. I give to all sorts of people. In my work, I do my best, I go above and beyond. I try really, really hard to make everyone I come in contact with happy with my work, with what I've done for them in exchange for the money they pay me. I never shirk or half ass. I give my absolute best, ALWAYS.

In the last year, I've given hundreds...perhaps even thousands helping struggling people and families. To strangers. Just last weekend...a woman asking for toys for poor kids got three bags full. That same night a woman, who must've seen the glowing sign on my forehead that said EASY MARK EASY MARK EASY MARK, asked me to help her and her husband who were traveling from blah blah blah and just need money to get bac to blah blah blah"...they had a baby...and she got $40. My gut told me she was legit, so I gave to her. To them. To the mushmouthed asshole in El Paso who whines about her sad situation....I've bought her art, I've supported her ventures. I didn't want her damn art (not that it's bad, but I make my own), I just wanted to help her. I digress.

I need lung scans. I need retirement. I need some dental work, my kid needs her wisdom teeth out and a deviated septum repaired and she's not insured...I need plenty, but I give.

I watched a thing where this bubbly girl hugged a stranger and got on Ellen, and Ellen gave her 20K. Ellen did that because she found that this girl gives and gives and gives. Even a kidney to her Uncle. Know why I haven't given a kidney? BECAUSE NO ONE HAS ASKED FOR A KIDNEY. That's the reason I still have two. No one has needed one, in my general vicinity. That is not to say I have not been blood tested for matches. So here's the stupid which is likely caused by a remnant of hormone, pinging around my dusty ovaries: I got all teary over that chick who got 20K for being kind, BECAUSE I'M KIND, DAMMIT, AND NOBODY GIVES ME SQUAAAAAAAAAT. Then I felt dumb.

Today, the people I work for, my biggest client who has been working me TO DEATH, for whom I do really terrific work and for whom I am making a TON of money after a nationwide rollout that is enriching them to NO END, revealed that the "lift" they said they called to say they'd be working on giving me on November 7 will in fact not be happening, and that, in essence, I'm lucky I still have the job, as I am the "highest paid person on the roster" and my pay is an "issue".

You're lucky to have the job.

Lucky we don't fire you, is how I heard that.

Lucky.

I give and give, and when it's my turn...goose egg! But, guess what, fackers? I WILL GET EVEFRYTHING I WANT. MONEY, TRAVEL, LAND, HOME. I AM A MANIFESTING MACHINE! I don't NEEEEEED Ellen.

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