2006-11-08 - 10:13 p.m.

AND THE WINNER IS.....NOT YOU!

I tried out for mascot when I was a freshman in high school, and won against the odds. I was an Army brat. Army brats infiltrating small-town schools are considered nomads, and they're generally without hope in matters of popular competition. Despite that, I won the right to don the hallowed Wampus Cat fur suit and ears and shake my groove thing on the football field. Yeah, I said Wampus Cat. Shut up.

This was a big deal because I wasn't supposed to have a chance. My competition was a home-town girl that everyone knew, whose sister had been the mascot for the prior two years. Her name was Mindy, and she was a shoe-in. I remember that she had a very long ass. One of those asses that funneled down into her pant legs in back and dangled loosely nearly midway to the back of the knee. SO wrong.

The day the winners were announced, I wasn't present. I'd just had my wisdom teeth surgically pried from my jawbone and was at home, higher than Pete Dougherty at mardi gras, watching Mister Rogers when my Mom got a phone call informing us that I had won. Stoned as I was, I remember Mom leaning down into my face, saying "Yoooou wonnnnn, honnnneyyyyyyyy!"

Legend has it that on that fateful day, my nemesis Mindy had been poised underneath the intercom speaker in her home room, listening with baited breath as the winners were announced. Supposably, when the mascot winner was announced, Wendy had expected to hear her own name and had jumped up to celebrate a moment too soon, doing part of a jubilant jig before the name sank into her brain.

And all this came back to mind after seeing what Faith Hill did when the winner of Female Vocalist of The Year was announced on the CMA's on Monday night.

That right, folks...karma at work.

I TOLD you Faith was a mean old cow.

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