2008-06-22 - 2:49 p.m.

NICK NACK LICK A TAT GIVE A GIRL A LIFE

I'm a melodramatic putz.

:) Today is a very good day. Yesterday, in fact, was a very good day. I have again failed my diet, but that's all right, because I only failed it a little and I enjoyed doing it entirely and I'm not the least bit sorry. So there.

My neighbors have put in a pool. She's dainty and brown-skinned and he's a ripped firefighter who makes my eyes hurt and they want me to come swimming. Um, right. Yes. That's exactly what I was thinking of doing. Nothing I'd love more than to pour my pasty ass into a swimsuit and parade it around for the both of you. Sure. I'll get right on that. Ok, she's lacking curves, but she's thin and brown, and EVERYONE KNOWS curvy and lily white cannot compete with thin and brown in a poolside environment. Gimme a wench dress, certain jeans, or some of the right lingerie, and I can pull it off with flying colors...but poolside? Pffft. I know my limitations, and am vain enough to enforce them.

I picked a ridiculous number of blueberries and, after having shared them with both my ex husband, his mother, AND the aforementioned handsome neighbors, I still have a gargantuan bowl of them, which I will eat by myself during this next week. I'm consuming enough vitamin C to maintain a near superhuman immunity! I could lick a leper and live.

So. Yesterday, I was child-free. One kid's in Colorado with the 'rents, the other was at an all-night princess-slumber-fiesta. I quickly realized, after having been liberated of my spawn, that I have no social life. Further, I found that I don't really WANT one. Meaning, it occurred to me to call those people from work who are always asking me to go out drinking, but when I had the chance, I didn't have the desire to go. I don't LIKE drinking places and being stuck.

So I got a pedicure, went out to eat, and then spent the evening napping. I woke late today, gussied myself up and picked up my worn-out she-spawn. We've been home for an hour or so now and she rests comfortably on the couch, munching a cookie and some plain, shaved ice, recuperating from her all- night shindig. She doesn't feel good...but I think it's just fatigue. 7 hours of sleep is not enough for a 6 year old.

The birdhole across the street got into a shouting match with my next door neighbor. The birdhole's name is Terry and he was angry that he wasn't included at the neighbor's pool party, so he's been a douche about every little thing he can muster since the big diss. The entire street hates him and wishes he'd have a big, fat, skull-busting stroke. It's common knowledge that Terry, the high-register-talking country pud, beats his wife and has for years. He gets mad because his life is a waste of time, and so he beats Gayle, or rips her ear almost off, and she stays there and takes it. Stays put like a trained animal. She has a great body, a pleasant face and a freaking master's degree, and she stays and takes the abuse from this pock-marked assclown.

So, I was watching this melee through my blinds like Mrs. Kravitz, and I found myself hoping hoping hoping someone would clock Terry. I'd like to clock Terry. I'd like to hit him with a board and drown him like a big ugly rat in his own pool. (Yes, the asshat got angry about being uninvited to a pool party, and he has a bigger, better pool in his yard. Douchenozzle.)

Hmmm. Kid is up and feeling froggy. I just wrestled her down and threatened to lick a tattoo off her face. It's Joe Jonas, of The Jonas Brothers, and he's cute, so I threatened to lick the tat off her cheek. Then I held her down and went at her with my tongue out like Grandma Klump. You should have seen the panic in her eyes.

:) Today is a good day.

�

�

previous - next