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2007-10-02 - 9:14 p.m. HOW TO GET TEN LEGS INTO A SINGLE PAIR OF PANTS
Today I had an heinous experience. Something truly hideous happened that caused me to freeze up and spaz like few things can. It was even worse than slamming my pinkie finger in my truck door two weeks ago, and that really sucked. See? Today a spider was in my pants. A SPIDER I don't know how he got there, but I felt him underneath the very thin workout pants I was wearing, and grabbed him between my fingers. I didn't know it was A SPIDER at this point...I wasn't even thinking bug...I was pulling my truck to a stop in front of the daycare. Then I applied pressure and HE POPPED OHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD HE POPPPPPPPPPPED HE POPPPPPPPPPPPPPEDDDDDDD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Sorry. I still can't handle it. My brain suspected the very worst at that point, because I'm a worst case scenario kinda girl, and my personal worst case scenario just so happens to be SPIDER IN MY PANTS. (Really, it's SPIDER IN MY MOUTH, but that would be a freak thing to have happen and SPIDER ANYWHERE qualifies as a little armageddon no matter how or why it goes down.) Though my mind was steadily building up a panic, I managed to get the truck stopped. My daughter Libby was approaching the truck and people were all over, so I kept my wits about me and slowly began to gather my pant leg in my hand, raising the pant leg higher and higher toward the spot in order to find out for sure what was there. This was a REAL achievement, because what I REALLY wanted to do was hurl myself out of the truck and snatch my pants off while gyrating wildly and screaming like a girl. Libby reached me just as I reached the crucial area and looked down, opening my fingers to reveal what I had caught...and saw the telltale mish-mash of wet guts and black, jointed, arachnid legs. That's when I snapped. The good news is, I snapped interiorly. I recounted what had just happened to Libby in order to explain the look of shock on my face. When I got to the crux of it all, I worked through the horror by repeating myself about 20 times, "...It was a spider. It was a spider. It was a spider!!! It was a spider. It was a SPIDERRRR! It was a spider. It was A SPIDER!!!" It was like screaming, quietly. I got a lot of freaking out of my system doing that, repeating myself like a crazy person...then I shuddered, shook and did the all-over willies-jiggle several times, and then I called my sister Wilberteets to share the horror. Her worst case scenario is ALSO "spider in her pants", so she totally understood. I had left the daycare and was away from others and was still very close to insanity when Wilberteets picked up the phone, so I did some helpless, involuntary screaming. That's what happens when I'm grossed out beyond my tolerance. We laughed because I was grossed out and screaming in the very same way I was doing after my one and only one-night-stand, which left me just as grossed out. There will be no details forthcoming, but the funny part is, what would that guy think if he knew my experience with him was on a par with a spider in the pants? hahahahaha I am SO GLAD that I remained unaware of the spider until I was not driving, or this entry would be about my unfortunate car wreck. This entry has been gross and too informative. Thanks for reading. free hit counter � � 7 comments so far
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